Ain’t that just like a dumb blonde!

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. “We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bubba, “but we don’t have a ladder.” The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away. Junior shook his head and laughed. “Ain’t that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!”

Parachuting

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.” “But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked. “I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered. “But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked. He quickly answered: “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”

A man goes to a bar with his dog

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!” The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.” “Oh man, ” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a seeing-eye dog.” The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!” The second man replies “This is my seeing-eye dog.” The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs.” The man pauses for a half-second and replies “What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?”

Things to do in the bathroom stall…

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, May I borrow a highlighter?

2. Say Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.

5. Drop a marble and say, oh shoot!! My glass eye!!

6. Say Darn, this water is cold.

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, Now how did that get there?

9. Say, Humus. Reminds me of humus.

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, Whoa! Easy boy!!

11. Say, Interesting….more sinkers than floaters.

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

13. Say. C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me!!

14. Say, Boy, that sure looks like a maggot

15. Say, Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your Cross-Dressers Anonymous newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, Peek-a-boo!

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing Born Free

20. When you’re in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say You got any more toilet paper over there, This side’s completely out.

Three women were sitting in a bar

Three women were sitting in a bar, (a brunette, red head, and a blonde) they were all pregnant. The brunette says, “I know what I’m going to have.” The other to asked how. She replied, “well I was on top when I conceived so I will have a boy”. The red head said, “If that is true then I will have a girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived. The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, “PUPPIES, PUPPIES!”.

“I’ll do anything you want for 50 bucks.”

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, “I’ll do anything you want for 50 bucks.” He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five’s, a twenty and ten ones. He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman’s hand and says, “Here…paint my house.”

Smile It's Free

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