“Eileen who?”

This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says” Have you seen Eileen?” The guy is rather confused and asked ” Eileen who?” The bartender relies, “I lean over and you kiss my butt.” Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street. So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him. The bartender then told him,” You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say I bend over and you kiss my butt. So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben. And the Bartender said ” Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen.” The guy asks” Eileen who?

Beers For Geeks

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz can, but now comes in a 16-oz can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it’s no longer available. MAC Beer: At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but now comes in a 32-oz can. Considered by many to be a “light” beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that “you don’t need to know.” A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the waste bin. Windows 95 Beer: The world’s most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer’s. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it. Windows 98 Beer: See Windows 95 beer above. About the same but Windows 98 beer creates less gas and makes you crash less. Windows 2000 Beer: A new beer on the market. A lot of people have taste tested it and claim it’s wonderful. The can looks like Mac and OS/2 Beer’s can, but tastes like Windows 95/98 Beer. It comes in 32-oz cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 95/98 Beer until their friends try Windows 2000 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS and Mac Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew. Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer’s, but the company promises to change the can to look like Windows 2000 Beer’s, after Windows 2000 Beer starts shipping well. Touted as an “industrial strength” beer, and suggested only for use in bars. Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8-oz to 64-oz. Drinkers on Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for these occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years… AmigaOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer n

Three men

Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives. The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything. They looked at the third man and he said, “I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees.” Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that. The man replied, “Well, I was lying under the bed and she crawled over and said, “Come out and fight like a man!”.

A guy walks into a bar…

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, “I spat in this beer, do not drink!”. After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, “So did I!”

“Tonight, I’m the Designated Decoy.”

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, “Tonight, I’m the Designated Decoy.”

“I don’t remember eating that!”

A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, “Whoa, I don’t remember eating that!”

“It’s on fire”

After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. “But sir,” said the clerk, “you have the best room in the hotel.” “I insist on another room!!!” said the drunk. “Very good, sir. I’ll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don’t like 502?” asked the clerk. “Well, for one thing,” said the drunk, “it’s on fire.”

Three women

Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk. The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, “I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks”. To which the second gal replied, “You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!” And the third proclaimed, “I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!” They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: “Ladies, I don’t think you understand. Chunks is my dog.”

A drunk goes into a bar

A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk – can hardly stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and says: “Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!” “No, no,” says the bartender. “You’ve had too much already.” The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar. “Tell you what,” he says. “If I can throw three bull’s eyes with that dart set would you let me have the drink?” “Sure,” says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the little game. He hands the drunk three darts. “Look out, everybody!” Zot, zot, zot. The drunk throws three quick bull’s eyes. Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he makes a martini and sets it before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on it. “What’s this,” says the drunk. “That’s a prize for such fine dart throwing,” says the bartender. The drunk drinks his martini, picks up the turtle, puts it in his coat pocket, and leaves. Well, the next night, the same drunk goes into the same bar. Again, he is hopelessly inebriated; totally faced. “Bartender,” he says. “Gimme a martini!” “No, no,” says the bartender. “You’re too drunk already. Go home.” Again the drunk notices the darts. “If I can throw three bull’s eyes would you gimme the martini?” he asks. The bartender thinks, “This guy can’t be that lucky again. I’ll get rid of him.” “Sure, sure,” he says, handing the darts over. Bip, bip, bip. Three bull’s eyes. “Holy cow,” says the bartender, and he gives the drunk guy a martini. Again, he sets a turtle next to it. “What’s this?” asks the drunk. “That’s a prize for being such a good shot.” “Oh,” says the drunk, and he quaffs his martini, puts the turtle in his coat pocket, and leaves. Believe it or not, the very next night the same drunk enters the same bar. “Gimme a martini!” he demands. “No, no,” says the bartender. “You’ve been overserved already. Get on home.” Spying the dart board once more, the drunk guy says:”Would tossing three bull’s eyes prove that I’m not overserved?” The bartender can’t believe that anybody this drunk could possibly hit the dart board, let alone get three bull’s eyes. “OK,” he says, forking over the three darts. The drunk deftly grabs all three darts and tosses them simultaneously. Thwock! All three darts land solidly in the bull’s eye! “Unbelievable!” says the incredulous bartender. True to his word, he prepares a martini and sets it before the drunk guy. He then lays a beautiful long-stem rose on the bar next to the cocktail. “What’s this?” asks the drunk. “That’s a special prize for being so good at darts,” says the bartender. “Oh,” says the drunk. “All out of roast beef on a hard roll, huh?”

“Not to worry”

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.” “Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.” So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks. The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”

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