1st baby: You change your baby’s diapers every hour, whether they need it or not. 2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed. 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it. 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle. 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
1st baby: At the first sign of distress – a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn. 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don’t bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
— Gosh, you’re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth. — Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts? — I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes. — If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball. — That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner? — When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar. — You don’t need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment. — This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy. — Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut? — Stop your swearing and just breathe. — Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You’re not using the right words. — Your stomach still looks like there’s another one in there.
“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry …Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!