Resume Bloopers

I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

It’s best for employers that I not work with people.

Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.

You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

I am loyal to my employer at all costs..Please feel free to respond to my
resume on my office voice mail.

I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
absolutely nothing.

My goal is to be a meterologist. But since I possess no training in
meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never
quit a job.

Marital status: often. Children: various.

Reason for leaving my last job: They insisted that all employees get to
work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn’t work under thos conditions.

The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

Finished eighth in my class of ten.

References: none. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.

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