These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations…

Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity

I would not allow this employee to breed

This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap

When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle

This young lady has delusions of adequacy

He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot

This employee should go far, and the sooner the better

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together

A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus

He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless

He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier

I would like to go hunting with him sometime

He’s been working with glue too much

He would argue with a signpost

He has knack for making strangers immediately

He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room

When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell

If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one

A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens

A prime candidate for natural deselection

Donated his brain to science before he was done using it

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming

Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it

If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean

It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm

One neuron short of a synapse

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled

Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes

The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead

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