10. Why is money called dough?
Because we all knead it.
9. Knock Knock!
I knew you were a nut!
8. There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”
7. A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
6. A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon.
Trying to assert himself right off the bat, the man exploded, “If it wasn’t for my money, we wouldn’t be here at all”!
The wife calmly replied, “My dear, if it wasn’t for your money, neither would we be in Florida or on a honeymoon, nor would there even be any “we” in the first place.”
5. When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sicklyfather died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a week or two my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
4. Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate.
“You should give that money to charity”, said the shopkeeper.
“No, I’ll buy the chocolate. YOU give the money to charity!”
3. A Stockbroker walks into the dentist and asks for a quote for getting a tooth pulled out.
‘Well,’ said the dentist, ‘That depends on the level of service. If you want to go private we can give you the very best and latest in dental treatment. We get an anesthetist in from the local hospital, and I get two very skilled, and pretty, dental nurses to help out. Guaranteed no pain, no blood.’
‘Sounds good,’ said the man, ‘how much?’
‘£200 per tooth.’
‘Well,’ said the dentist, ‘We can give you standard NHS treatment. I do the anaesthetic myself – no nurses. You get a little bit of pain and a little bit of blood, but it’ll only cost you £20.’
‘No, that’s still too dear. Can you not do it a bit cheaper?’
‘Tell you what,’ said the dentist, getting angry, ‘I could get a pair of pliers from B&Q and do a homer for you. No anaesthetic. Guaranteed very painful – lots of blood. Your mouth will hurt for three months and you’ll struggle to talk for at least two. I’d do it for £5 and take pleasure in it.’
‘OK, you got yourself a deal… book my wife in for next Tuesday.’
2. A young man at college in want of twenty-five dollars wrote to his uncle as follows:
“Dear Uncle.–If you could see how I blush for shame while I am writing, you would pity me. Do you know why? Because I have to ask you for a few dollars, and do not know how to express myself. It is impossible for me to tell you. I prefer to die. I send you this by messenger, who will wait for an answer. Believe me, my dearest uncle, your most obedient and affectionate nephew.
“P.S.–Overcome with shame for what I have written, I have been running after the messenger in order to take the letter from him, but I cannot catch him. Heaven grant that something may happen to stop him, or that this letter may get lost.”
The uncle was naturally touched, but was equal to the emergency. He replied as follows:
“My Dear Jack–Console yourself and blush no more. Providence has heard your prayers. The messenger lost your letter. Your affectionate uncle.”
1. Johnny, if you had 5$ and you asked your father for 3$ more, how many dollars would you have?
– I would have five dollars…
– You don’t know your arithmetic, Johnny…
– You don’t know my father, Mrs. Mutch…