Top 10 Signs You’re Being Stalked by Martha Stewart

10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut from a magazine with pinking shears, and they’re all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

9. That little tell-tale slice of lemon in the dog’s water bowl.

8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen over liquorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.

7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon rose petal and saffron demi-glace with pecan crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint fennel sauce.

6. The unmistakable odor of potpourri follows you even after you’ve left the bathroom.

5. You discover that every napkin in the house has been folded in the shape of a swan.

4. No matter where you eat you discover your place setting always includes an oyster fork.

3. Twice this week you’ve been the victim of a drive-by doilying.

2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.

And the number 1 sign you’re being stalked by Martha Stewart is. . .

1. You wake up one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

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