Top Ten Things I’d Like To Get Off My Chest Now That I’m in the Baseball Hall of Fame

10. Once after I hit a grand slam I kissed the umpire on the mouth

9. In case there’s any confusion, when I die, please don’t freeze me

8. On July 17, 1984, I told the manager I pulled a hamstring and I went to see ‘Ghostbusters’

7. Thank God I was never a Devil Ray

6. I joined a gym so I can continue to shower with men

5. Forget all that stuff during contract negotiations — I was seriously, seriously overpaid

4. I traded my 1993 World Series ring for two front row tickets to a Jethro Tull concert

3. Once a guy made a joke about the mustache so I beat him to death with a Fungo Bat

2. During difficult times in my life I rebroadcast or retransmitted games without the express written consent of Major League Baseball

1. Earlier today, I married Britney Spears

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