Top Ten Things Never Before Said by a Presidential Candidate

10. Vote for me or I’ll slash your tires

9. Forget universal health care — I’m buying every American an XBox

8. In a crisis I ask myself, ‘What would Tony Danza do?’?

7. I’d give you my plan for economic recovery if I wasn’t rip stinkin’ drunk

6. If your last name begins with ‘M’ through ‘Z,’ sorry — your taxes are doubling

5. We’re gonna cut the deficit by selling North Dakota to Canada

4. I have tons of experience from being president of the Burt Reynolds fan club

3. Lady, that is one ugly baby

2. When I’m president, I’m putting Regis on Mt. Rushmore

1. Read my lips: no new wardrobe malfunctions

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